THE USHERS Edward Lee

 The Ushers: Short Story Collection Review

Grade: B

Edward Lee's first "real" short-story collection is chock full of his usual style of writing: brutal, dark, violent, but yet he leaves the reader wanting more in the end. Though that's not the case for all of the stories, there are some that are pretty good, and on a rare occasion, actually scare you (Lee mostly succeeds at shocking you.)

The first story in the collection is "Death, She Said", a Christmas Carol-like shock fest. This one is sort of pointless in my opinion, just an extremely dark Christmas Carol. C-

"Hands" is a better one, but is more of a crime thriller, not really scary; plus the ending is to be expected. B-

The third offering, "Secret Service" is one of the best ones in the book, except for the ending. Lee keeps you guessing till the end, were the story falls apart for a gross-out shock that it didn't really need. A-

"The Wrong Guy" is good, but the ending works better in "Almost Never". Both stories are similar, but "Almost Never", the second (in my opinion) best story in the book works better on the chill factor. "The Wrong Guy": C, "Almost Never": A.

In "The Dectorian Technician" and "The Seeker" Lee chooses the sci-fi angle, but it sort of fails, and "The Seeker" is just yet another gross-out. But in "Grub Girl in the Prison of Dead Woman", the sci-fi angle works best, with Lee choosing zombies as main characters. "The Dectorian Technician: C, "The Seeker": D+, "Grub Girl": A-.

"Scriptures" is good, with a good plot, and hey, a happy(sorta) ending,a first with Edward Lee!B

"Please Let Me Out" is also a good one, but like "Secret Service", falls apart at the ending. B

"Xipe" is the best one in the collection, and combines the supernatural with crime to make a pleasing thriller. It's the shortest one in the book, but works the best. A+

"The Man who loved Clichés" is an early Lee story, and is just dumb; it gets annoying. D-

"Mr. Torso" was nominated for a Bram Stoker Award, and it's easy to see why. It's not my favorite in this collection, but is a fan favorite and Lee's most widely-read short story, being in this book,Deadly After Dark (Pinnacle Horror), and the limited editin chapbook Mr. & Miss Torso. It has a twist you see coming, but that doesn't stop it from scaring you. A

The Last two stories in the book, "House", and "The Ushers" are O.K., just shock fests that are pretty pointless. "House": F, "The Ushers" C-.

Overall this collection varies in range and matter, there are some duds, but there are some winners.

PIRANHA: THE SPAWNING James Cameron

Piranha Part 2 The Spawning: Movie Review

Grade: F

Seeing as this was director James Cameron's movie debut, I had high hopes for this film, along with its awesome-sounding plot. But, even from the director who would later go on to make other much better sequels like Terminator 2 - Judgment Day (Extreme DVD) and Aliens (Two-Disc Collector's Edition), and the mega-blockbuster Titanic (10th Anniversary Edition), this film apparently fell into the wrong hands. (You can tell the fish are on strings! Strings!!!)

Now that awesome-sounding plot I told you about? Piranhas are genetically bred with a species flying fish, making the ultimate flying/undersea killer. Now that killer, a huge swarm of them, is loose in the ocean waters near a popular resort, and they soon start picking off the local vacationers. Sounds cool, but looks can be deceiving.
There are problems and plot holes in just about every scene in Piranha 2, and the movie just ends up looking downright pathetic in the end. You meet characters that have nothing to do with the movie, ("You're a doctor?" "No...I'm a dentist..." What?! That scene has nothing to do with the movie!!!!) seriously taking away from the action. It's almost as if they are just there to make the movie longer, because without them the movie would be only about an hour and ten minutes, and the Piranhas are only actually in about five of them. You know what that leaves us with? A whole lot more of useless characters, pointless conversations, and long boring stretches that leave major plot holes. I would give some examples of the plot holes, but I'd end up giving away the entire movie, because its alllll plot holes that lead to nowhere.

Now don't even get me started on the special effects: the SciFi channel's special effects far surpass these flying rubber fish on strings, that's all I'm going to say...

Not even the acting can save this movie. Why? Because the acting isn't that great either. To me, it seemed forced, as if the actors didn't even really want to be in the movie in the first place...
And in the end the movie's not even worth your time. Yes, I normally don't mind bad special effects, and yes, I even think most SciFi channel movies are great, but boy, is this one a stinker. They say there's a first time for everything, and this was my first time giving anything one star and a failing review. (I really want to know how they got Lance Henrikson to sign up for this movie...) Jeez, most movies like this one made in the `80's weren't this bad...

SEA BEAST SyFy

Sea Beast: Movie Review

Grade: A-

Watching this movie on the SyFy channel last night, I sat there wondering: why can't all SciFi movies be like this? Sea Beast offers good acting for a SyFy movie, a great plot, and an even better monster. I actually got to say, this is the best monster SyFy has ever created. Put all of that together, and, simply put, it makes Sea Beast the best SyFy movie ever! (Whew! That's more times I've said SyFy than you should in a year!)

I know, you're probably thinking: the SyFy channel? A good movie? What? But Sea Beast's best quality is the level of entertainment it provides: it's a fun movie that never stops `till the credits start to roll.
Corin Nemic stars as a deep-sea fisher whose life is falling apart. He just lost a crewmember to the ocean; he's behind in his boat payments, and his relationship with his own daughter is rocky, at best. Just when life can't get any worse, he finds out that on his last expedition out deep-sea fishing, he brought back a...creature. Some sort of deep-sea mutation, it's now going on a killing rampage...along with its just-as-deadly kids. Now he must figure out a way to stop them, before they over-run the town...

Did I mention that this thing could even turn invisible? That's how imaginative, quirky, and creative Sea Beast gets, and it never stops with the pleasant surprises. So watch Sea Beast, not expecting it to be the greatest film you ever saw, but as the SyFy channel movie that actually tried, and succeeded.

PIRANHA Roger Corman

Piranha: Movie Review

Grade: B

One of the title's in the "Roger Corman Classics" DVD collection, Piranha is a great movie, but it has its fair share of flaws.

Directed by horror legend Joe Dante, Piranha is "my homage to Jaws", say's Executive Producer Roger Corman, who would later go on to produce other great horror films, such as Humanoids From the Deep and Carnosaur, along with it's sequels, Carnosaur II and Carnosaur 3: Primal Species. They're all fun, but they both have their problems, just like Piranha.

Set in the rivers and surrounding area of Lost Lake, Piranha starts with two unhappy campers. Lost, they take a trail up into an old military facility that is seemingly abandoned. They decide to go swimming, but as soon as they hit the water something...eats them. So Maggie McKeown, a lady whose job is to locate missing people is called in, and she and Paul Grogan, the local drunk, set out to the base where the two campers where last seen. That's when they accidently set them loose...A school of man-eating, intelligent, genetically-altered, voracious Piranha are heading downstream...toward a local summer camp and a just-opened resort.

The acting was surprisingly good, much better than other films of the time. Heather Menzies (Maggie) and Bradford Dillman (Paul) put effort into their characters, distinguishing this movie from other `70's horror films. (Except for Jaws, of course.)

But there's a lot more to the movie, and it's not just a horror film; at times it morphs into a comedy, with the characters cracking one-liners and saying the most ridiculous of lines. ("Horror, terror, death. Film at eleven." Or: "It's the fish sir. They're eating the guests.")

Yet Piranha, even though its plot sound's simple at first, leaves a lot of questions unanswered in the end. When our main characters are in the military base, just before they let the fish out, I would like to know just what the scientist was doing with fish. Weird creatures are being held in that laboratory, and one of them even gets out, wandering around and watching the characters. But then it disappears, and we never see it again. What's up with that?

And towards the end of the movie, how did the Piranha get so fast? (*Spoilers*) They reached the ocean in no time. The radio announcer was still telling what happened at the resort, and they were already there, at some unknown beach.

I would say that's what the sequel, Piranha II: The Spawning is for, but I saw that one before this one, and it explains nothing.
(It's actually one of the worst movies I've ever seen; the first is way better than the second.)

But who knows: in August, Alexandre Aja, director of some truly fantastic horror films like the 2006 remake of The Hills Have Eyes (Unrated Edition), is set to release the third Piranha...in 3-D!

So for now I'm waiting-waiting until 2010, for some answers, and, hopefully, the best Piranha yet.

FRANKENFISH SyFy

Frankenfish: Movie Review

Grade: C+

Like so many other films these days (Snakehead Terror, Sea Beast), Frankenfish is a mutated man-eating fish SciFi channel movie. This film was actually based, along with Snakehead Terror, on the snakehead fish incident in a pond in Maryland. The snakehead fish is real, and it is voracious, but the snakehead creatures in Frankenfish aren't.

The movie's plot, as interesting as it sounds, looks great at first glance: A hunter who would like to hunt and kill something really dangerous and life-threatening breeds three genetically altered snakehead fish in Asia, and has ships to him in America. But when they are being shipped down the Louisiana bayou, something goes wrong, and they escape the ship, loose deep inside the bayou...Now a medical examiner investigating the bodies the fish leave behind is trapped in a small houseboat community, and must, along with the community, find a way out.

The plot had so much going for it, yet the movie plods along for most of its gory and blood-soaked 84 minute running-time. The acting is quite good though, and is much better than normal SyFy channel fare.

The things that set the movie the movie back are A) the clichéd characters, B) at times, the horrible and silly dialogue, and, C) you don't really see the fish. I know a horror technique is to keep the monster in shadow, but in this case, the fish is almost never seen, not till the last part of the movie. And after I expected much more, the conclusion felt rushed, and wasn't worth the time I spent wondering what the fish looked like. Seriously, the cover of the DVD shows more of the fish than most of the actual movie!

But Frankenfish still tries to be good and scary, and at times the creepy level is pretty high. The CGI effects are that bad either, and for a SyFy film that's a plus. I just want to see the fish! More man-eating fishes, please!!!

THE SLIME BEAST Guy N. Smith

The Slime Beast: Novel Review

Grade: A-

Guy N. Smith, best known for his Crabs series (Night of the Crabs,Killer Crabs,The Origin of the Crabs,Crabs on the Rampage,Crabs: Human Sacrifice,Crab's Moon) spins a short tale of terror with his masterpiece: the result is The Slime Beast. The tagline (A monster from earth or beyond the stars?) ring bells reminiscent of old `80's horror movies, and that's exactly what The Slime Beast will remind you of.

Smith packs on the blood and gore telling the story of an expedition searching for King John's lost treasure on the shores of the wild European East Coast marshes; the three-person expedition find a creature hibernating in the mud of one of the shores. They accidently awaken it, and it goes on a rampage, killing anybody or thing it encounters. The village not to far from the coast is terror-stricken, but the professor of the expedition is to busy trying to catch the creature, which they dub the "Slime Beast" for his own personal gain.

Smith keeps the plot tied around only a small group of characters, which means that the plot just about never jumps around from character to character. Focusing on a limited food supply for the beast works in Smith's favor, and the book never gets boring, even though my edition, the 1979 one, is only 110 pages long.

My only complaint about the book was that it seemed to come and go to fast; there really wasn't character development; it was just straight to the action. Doing so, in my opinion, just ruins the effectiveness of the book it self... Still, you'll finish in a couple of hours, waiting to see what Smith will come up with next.

CUTS Richard Laymon

Cuts: Novel Review

Grade: B

And a very gruesome streak at that...Cuts opens with typical Laymon-esque violence; the main-and very disturbed-character, Albert Prince, takes his fury out on a dog, gutting it like a fish. Truthfully, I wasn't really prepared for that-dogs are my favorite animal.

So starts Cuts. After that killer beginning, Laymon slowly introduces us to a number of different characters; at first glance they seem insignificant to the story, but there reasons are slowly unfolded throughout the novel. There is basically two different stories in the novel; only when the reader gets to the end are the stories intertwined.

But sadly, this is what I hated about the novel. One story focuses on Albert and his cross-country trip, all the while murdering innocents, the other story plays out like a soap opera. Yes, there is fantastic character development in Cuts, but it ends up weighing the novel down. Laymon switches from brutal and gruesome scenes to scenes about affairs and deception. This mixture doesn't suit the book; towards the end I felt let down.

Yet the very last part of Cuts is what makes it truly worthwhile. Part One of the book takes place in October/November, 1975, and takes up 289 of the 301 page novel. The Second Part, which takes place in August, 2000, is only 12 pages, yet has the impact of 300. And that is something, of course, that only Laymon could do.